when life smacks you in the face...

Hey y'all! I know it's been a minute and a million things have happened but as I think I've said before there is healing in writing.  The reason for this blog is to be real and to talk about grief. I strongly believe that grief is real and we experience every stage at some point during a loss. So bear with me as I describe my grief...

Monday afternoon. I LOST my job. Yeah... That's right. Jenee Tenor... FIRED from her job. It's still hard for me to believe and understand but it happened. The girl who has worked since she could work.... LOST HER JOB. What is happening in the world.

My Grief
1. Denial and Isolation: Psych Central says it best: "We block out the words and hide from the facts."

I couldn't believe that this was actually happening to me. Is this real life? Is this a dream? Are they really letting me go? What did I do? As one of my friends put it: WHAT. THE. HELL. Those were my feelings. I had no idea what was happening and I didn't have the opportunity to say anything. It just happened and I had to deal. I only left my house once in two days. I didn't know what my life was without work. What do I do now?

2. Anger: I think we all know what anger is...

I am not an angry person. If you know me. You would not consider me angry. It takes a lot to make me angry. So in this situation I think it showed me another side of myself. Jenee indeed does get angry. And probably not for what you're thinking. I'm sad that I got fired. But I am angry I never got a chance to say my peace. I'm angry that some people I LOVED working with will only remember me by a tarnished opinion of one person. I am angry at that. Because that wasn't fair.

3. Bargaining: "trying" to make a deal with God, people, etc...

I'm skipping this step... I know that God has something better for me out there. He knew before I knew that this was going to happening and he has things laid out for me. I don't need to bargain with him.

4. Depression: Psychology Today explains me well, "Hopelessness makes it feel like you will never move on and that nothing will ever work out for you in the future."

I think I told several people that I feel like a HUGE FAT FAILURE. Like is that tattooed on my forehead now? For someone who VALUES their work being let go is like a BIG SLAP in the FACE. I wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out. I haven't been sleeping. I'm bored. I'm anxious. It's weird. It's so weird. Where do I go from here? Will I recover from this?

5. Acceptance: Psychology Today says "Finally, this is the phase in which we are able to make peace with the loss. It doesn’t always come on suddenly; it often happens gradually, little bit by little bit..."

Now... What do I do? I move on. Little by little. I start the application process for graduate school. I start studying for the GRE. I get on the healthcare.gov and research health insurance plans --> because NO one wants to see me off my meds. JKJK! I apply for part-time jobs. I just wait and see what God has out there for me. I can't change what happened but I can be ready to embrace the future.

I hope that whoever reads this, that you don't judge me and that you see me as a real person with real issues and a real life.